Hillbilly emergency care
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they
talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
Hillbilly walks slowly back to the b ar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind LickManeuver’
but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!"
And Beavis & Butt-head! (Heh-heh, heh-heh.)
Busily Rewinding All Of Mr. Van Driesen’s Strawberry Alarm Clock 8-Tracks (There Were SIX), Ort. Carlton in 30601-Central.
P. S. I still find great glee in watching Thomas The Tank Engine. Man, Mr. Topham Hatt is a really understanding guy.
P. P. S. Don’t forget Wallace & Gromit! "Porridge on Tuesday, I say!"
Wait! — You left something out!! — The Imam of the local Moslem Temple was with them; he was their designated driver. (More than once that has actually happened in Athens, Georgia.)
Ecumentally, Ort. Carlton in 30601-Land.
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your left breast.’
Later that night…….. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Folks, he mo funny than I am. Sniff.
Vastly Cardio(something)ally, Ort. Carlton in Athens.
P. S. Or have I been reading the comic strip with the crocodiles and zebra in it too often?
REALLY bad Roadfood-related joke:
Runza neighbors off, or did they leave on their own?
Trying To Be Groan Up, Ort. Carlton in… um… y’all know where.
P. S. Can anyone do worse?
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, ‘Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.’
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father’s mouth was agape. ‘That was beautiful,’ he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, ‘I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.’
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, ‘Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.’
The blonde frowned and said, ‘It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.’ She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, ‘I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.’
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, ‘Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.’
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ‘Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.’
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ‘That’s a gimme, sweetheart.’
The blonde smiled and said, ‘Your car or mine?’
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY
YOUTH AND SKILL
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry."
"No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A few of mine have disappeared…..but I don’t care none were crude not even 1 cuss word…..but if a few read them before they were took out of thread and at least 1 person laughed.That’s Great.[:D]
A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
You’re missing gregg’s joke, which seems to have disappeared…[:I]
What did I miss here?
A guy meets St. Peter at the pearly gates
St. Peter looks in his book and says, listen friend, I see absolutely NO reason to let you in here
You have been a complete screw up all your life, never done 1 worthy thing to warrant you heaven. St. Peter asks the guy, can you think of even 1 thing you did in your life that was worthwile?
The guy thinks a moment and says, sure, one time I was walking into a store when 4 thugs accosted an old lady and demanded her money, I jumped into the middle of it, told the thugs, if yoy mess with this old woman, your going to answer to me, I told her to leave.
St. Peter says well that is really great, I don’t have that here, when did this take place?
The guy thinks a moment says, oh, maybe 2 minutes ago!
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think my wife is dead."
Earl says, "You think your wife is dead? You mean you don’t know for sure?"
Mel replies, " Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up."
[8D]Let me take this minute to apologize in advance.[8D]
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